Cristina posted this on her facebook today and I had to put it here so that I could remember it in my day to day life. It's beautiful and it's something to remember.
A favourite song of mine for a few years now. I thought I would post it to share with. Sundays are my second favourite day followed by Tuesdays. I always used them as a way to be by myself. To discover new music, secret spots in the woods, read a book by the creek or lay in bed and keep to my thoughts. This video is absolutely perfect in showing how I envision a Sunday afternoon. Enjoy!
Being someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression it's been difficult these last few years. I've had bouts of agoraphobia where leaving the house wasn't even an option, panic attacks that made going out impossible, self-esteem issues that made my life debilitating and a crippling anxiety about my heath that left me constantly stressed about what I ate or didn't eat.
I've found that I lost a lot of friends over these last few years going through all this. Most unable to grasp an understanding of how hard it was to stick to plans because you never knew when an anxiety attack would happen. Calling me unreliable and a flake. Not knowing that it only added on to my stress about being a bad person. I stopped talking to people about the reasons and just took to hiding. I guess it felt simpler in a sense. And, I know that caused a stress on most of my past friendships.
I thought to myself maybe, if I ran away enough it would never catch up to me. Though, eventually it did and I hit rock bottom. I did a lot of things I wish I never did, some I couldn't believe I did in a moment of weakness or self destruction. Either/or, I didn't want to be there anymore and I decided to take action.
Training yourself to think different thoughts isn't easy, but eventually I was able to talk myself out of most panic attacks, feel a bit better about myself and focus on more positive thoughts as opposed to the expectations for a catastrophe at all times.
It took a heap of hours of yoga, hundreds of uncomfortable downward dogs, kilometers ran and hikes completed but I managed to find safety in all of those outlets. A way to slow things down, get back to nature and feel accomplished and good about myself.
I began to build a stronger foundation to stand upon, a support to base my relationships around and the strength to face my problems instead of fleeing as soon as there's a sign of danger. I guess I just wanted to write this as a reminder that even though I've lost so much, I've gained so much more. And, I'm happy. Some days are rough, hard to keep afloat but I just always remember that even in my darkest days, during those moments where I wanted to end it all I still saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I still saw happiness, success and something more. I knew and still know deep down that it will get better then it is and you just have to fight and work a little harder sometimes.
|My new print!|
I was pretty devastated when my James Dean photo had gotten ruined in the flood. I have had it for a while and it meant a lot to me. After going to a gallery to find a replacement through insurance I was reminded how much I loved James Dean. Not only was he a brilliant actor, he had a great personality and was wild and fun! He was also timid, a book nerd, liked the quiet. No one has ever been able to be as great as he was though two of my other boycrushes came close. Luke Perry in 90210 pulled of the silent, mysterious type super well and James Franco is a modern day James Dean. They are all real dream boats if you ask me! So here's some photos to catch your eye and maybe you'll be crushing like me!
|Oh, those eyebrows!|
|James Dean, the biggest dreamboat!|
|James Dean on the left & James Franco impersonating on the right.|
|Luke Perry in his roll of Dylan on 90210!|
& I will end it off with my favourite James Dean scene.
Lately has been a roller coaster! I blame it on the weather. The ups & downs & the in-between can really do a number on you! I have to say that I have managed to stay positive. Everything is going in the right direction & I'm on the right path. I have to give a shout out to my backbones. Florin, Elena, Janine, Anne, Fatima, you guys are my favourites. Such strong, positive, independent souls.
I'm really trying to give it back lately. I'm a main part of the set up of the Guatemala fundraiser again this year. I've donated my photo booth services as well as made the tickets, signage and compiled some silent auction items together. I love the animals and if I had it my way I would save every single one I could. I am planning on going to Guatemala also to work at the shelter either this summer or in December.
Tonight I sponsored a child from Sierra Leone, which I have been wanting to do for a while and a suave, confident, Filipino guy got my attention and I decided to take the plunge. I'm really excited about it and I think I'd like to sponsor one more as well as some animals. Wolves & Sharks especially! I think I would love to go help orphaned children for a while. Janines mum kind of put the idea in my mind. I mean I've always wanted to but I've never felt I had the means but this stuff seems to be falling into my lap and I've happily accepted.
I've also become interested in Guerrilla gardening and as a way of giving back to the beautification of the city Janine and I plan to plant flowers among other things around the city and commit time to picking up waste. Another thing I am apart of is Surrey Pride where I will have a booth & try to give back in any way I can. Safe to say it feels nice to give back and I couldn't be happier with where everything else is going.
Currently listening to:
When I first started raw a lot of my friends thought I was crazy. They thought it was unhealthy and impossible and even insane. After they started to hear about and see the results and how much happier and energetic I have became a heap of them came to me for advice on recipes, what to do, how to do it and asked me questions like is it hard, can I do it, what about this health issue. I reassured them and recommended some sites and books to them but still some wanted to see that it could be easy, convenient, and quick. So, yesterday I decided to photograph everything I ate to show how simple it really is.
Typically for breakfast I like something light. I usually try to have something solid and a shake to wake me up. This shake is super simple and so full of flavour. It's one of my favourites. It's mango, banana, pineapple and coconut milk blended together. Then my favourite snack, avocado in a tad of lemon juice and seasoned however you please.
For lunch I usually get a little more complicated, this is when I like to eat the most because then I get the rest of the day to burn it off. Today I used a recipe from my Vitamix cookbook but altered it a tad based on what I had available and flavours I liked. I used red, onions, jicama, red peppers, dried parsley, carrots and a heaping of tomatoes. You mix it with a splash of water and I usually ad in a heap of garlic and spices. I used hot chili peppers in this batch. And, instaed of nutritional yeast I put in a table spoon of hemp hearts.
During the day I usually have two or three snacks depending on how I feel. I try to always keep a water in my purse and some nuts so if I get hungry I'm not likely to eat something bad for me or cooked and it helps me keep some energy. This meal is super simple. It's coconut, starfruit, mangoes, cactus pear, a green smoothie and a young coconut for natural electrolytes and to stay hydrated. If I'm hungrier later in the day then I have a salad or a mix of carrots, broccoli, tomatoes and cauliflower.
I like to keep dinner light but substantial. I don't like feeling groggy and tired by the end of the day so I add a cup of almond milk to my meal to give me a jump of energy. This is one of my favourites jicama salad. I love jicama because you can mix it with fruits or veggies. It has a natural, and very neutral flavour. It's very earthy. This is just diced jicama, onion, red pepper, oranges and cucumbers drizzled with juices from the orange and help seeds!
And, lastly. I drink a heap of tea. Eating only raw foods really doesn't help to make you warm in the winter. Though you can eat dehydrated foods and some soups that don't go over 118 degrees I still make sure to drink a few glasses throughout the day so I don't run to comfort foods to warm me up! I've met some raw foodists who don't think tea is considered raw but I allow it in my lifestyle because it's a favourite of mine and it keeps me warm!
Here are some of my favourite raw and health food websites to keep you busy for now:http://www.rawmazing.com/
Sometimes a bad day is inevitable. Maybe, sometimes it's even necessary. Sometimes you feel like you won't be able to see past it and that things will never get better. Just think back to yesterday and have hope for tomorrow because not all your days were bad and things always got better. Today was a bad day but I am hopeful for the future and I know tomorrow will be better. So, here's something that I like to look to when I'm having a bad day.
There will be bad days.
Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now.
Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended.
Accept each extended hand offered, to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape.
Scrape the gray sky clean.
Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light.
Despite your instinct to say “it’s alright, I’m okay” - be honest.
Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity.
Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose.
If you think for one second no one knows what you’ve been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion.
We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmisser’s of odds, we blesser’s of on – we will station ourselves to the calm.
We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready player one.
Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then.
So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and you’d never make it through.
Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue.
Living with the burden of anger, is not living.
Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need.
Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed.
Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn’t know it’s not supposed to grow there.
Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it.
If you are having a good day, be considerate.
A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for.
If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more.
There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out.
There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending, instances spent pretending that everything is alright when it clearly is not; check your blind spot.
See that love is still there, be patient.
Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end.
Ignore what others have called you; I am calling you friend.
Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis.
Silence left to its own devices, breed’s silence so speak and be heard.
One word after the next, express yourself and put your life in the context – if you find that no one is listening, be loud.
Stand in poise and be open.
Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on.
In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again.
Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen: the deaf will hear you with their eyes; the blind will see you with their hands.
Let your heart fill their news-stands; let them read all about it.
Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights.
Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but come back.
They will tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.
Everyone knows pain.
We are not meant to carry it forever.
We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then.
That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us – it’s the only way we know how to say, be calm.
Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go.
puss och kram, Kaya at Tuesday, March 05, 2013
This weekend has been amazing! Saturday Fatima text both Janine and I to come over and hang with her, Jakob, Raj & Ram. I met up with Janine and we decided that we wanted to walk to Fatimas as it was a gorgeous night out. We stopped by Blenz for some tea to keep warm on the walk and then the mart to pick up some french bread (for our favourite Rosemary toast) and trail mix. The night turned into the usually games night which I always look forward to. It started with Jenga, moved on to Pictionary, then Speed Scrabble and a few card games to square things off. The games are always so intense and everyone has quite the competitive drive which makes them heaps more fun.
Today, Janine text us and invited us to go for a walk at Green Timbers. The sun was absolutely beautiful so I had to go. When I got to Janines she had her bikes out and we rode over to Fatimas house and dropped them off. We then wandered to forest up the street to meet Fatima & Jakob. The woods are always bewildering. There is always a grand array of things it's overwhelming. The smell of earth is sweet and though dirt is construe as 'dirty' it smells clean and natural. With spring coming everything was so lively. The woods were dense and lush. The moss beds were alive and covered everything that had died to bring a new life to it. Trees started to sprout out of empty stumps and rot on the forest floor. Everything was overgrown, water dew covered the leaves and spider webs it was inviting and rich. The way the light would peak through the evergreens and how the branches of the carnivorous trees intertwined and hung above. There's the crackling of the branches as you walk over them, the rustling of the leaves in the wind and the sounds of the animals. It feels like home.
The evening was lovely, Janine and I made more rosemary bread, drank tea and sat in her room talking before I decided to walk home. When I got home I had one of my favourite vegan pot pies, made a banana treat in my new Vitamix (asgjahgha!! love it) and am drinking tea and writing before bed.
Here's a song that suited my mood this weekend:
puss och kram, Kaya at Sunday, March 03, 2013
Florin & I are buying our first place together in the next year. We're really hoping by the fall. I've been house hunting and looking for things that are in our range but still I keep looking outside of it for the places that I can't wait for us to have. But as we are both young and have a lot of traveling and things we want to do before we settle down so we've decided something small and quaint or an apartment will suffice for now. All the houses I have been looking at all allow dogs since we are getting two large dogs as soon as we can! So far these mini heritage like homes that are in New Westminstier are my favourite. They're relatively new and I think absolutely perfect for the first time home owner. Isn't this just perfect?
Three bedrooms plus den Power Smart home. New energy-efficient gas fireplace with top-quality surround and built-in storage (by Hazelmere Mantels). Built-in alarm system, Solid maple flooring throughout, easy-care ceramic tiling in entry and bathrooms. Sunny updated kitchen features loads of counter and storage space, eating bar, stainless steel appliances, awesome six-burner FiveStar™ gas stove with two ovens, deluxe range hood with plate warmer, extra-deep and extra-quiet dishwasher (accommodates stove top grills), garburator, updated soft-close cupboards. Airy, open plan on main floor, with custom pocket doors for flexibility and privacy when needed, Bright family room off kitchen with sliders to back yard. Laundry area on main floor includes gas dryer and steam washer. Half bath on main, two full baths up.
All bedrooms have built-in closet shelving. Master bedroom includes full ensuite with heated floor, and walk in closet. Low maintenance landscaping features large stone patio and pond in the backyard. There is also a natural gas barbecue hookup.
In-ground sprinkler system (front and back). Front and back covered porches
Rear parking for three cars. Potential for garage with additional living space (checked with city and can run water out to garage and build double garage with studio space upstairs).
puss och kram, Kaya at Monday, February 25, 2013